I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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