the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
