Having a random hookup so left but love u
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
