just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
