A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
