we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
