If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
