Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
