if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
