i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
