i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
