YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
