she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
