A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
