Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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