I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
