i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
