can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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