so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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