Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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