mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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