I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
