I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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