she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
