im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
