I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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