i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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