Is it because I queefed?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
