Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
