two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
