Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dicks are not precious.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
