Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
