Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
