Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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