I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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