People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
