somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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