a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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