Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
