I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
