I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
