Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
