he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
