My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
