new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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