I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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