Sry I called you an 8
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
