history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
