mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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