remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
